I’ve been asked about where to get Replendent, but I want to make it VERY clear that I don’t care about sales. I already know I will never be one of those people who makes it big. I’m never going to have the right ideas at the right time or be the popular person. That’s okay. That’s why I’m a writer. Books were always an escape. Books kept me alive when I was a very, very, very, very, very sick kid and given no chance to see my 18th birthday. They literally kept me alive. Not hyperbole. Literally. And writing stories let me explore the world and life when I had no other way, or when I lacked…well, still lack…the confidence to exist in a social capacity.
(Writing is my maladaption for social anxiety. What’s yours?)
If I was motivated by money, I wouldn’t have spent an ungodly amount on research that currently includes the outlay for a pilot’s license (I decided to cancel that book since it’s another historical and the main character means far too much to me for me to be able to handle being told “no one wants to read that,” and so this is my way of keeping her safe when her story is hard enough on her), travel to museums in Nevada and Texas, traveling to law libraries to look for cases to cite in some books even though no one would ever think to check if they exist, laying out money for old print books since the internet can change while it’s harder to forge what’s on paper, and most recently, figure skating lessons including fully custom boots/blades, private lessons with an Olympic coach whose worked with someone I guarantee you you’ve heard of, and ER bills as a souvenir of the concussion I got working on spins a year ago. I don’t even want to tally the costs in terms of money, much less time. It’s more than I’ll ever make back, but I don’t care because I love writing and finding that sweet spot between fiction enough to be fiction, but couched as much in the real world as possible, unless we’re talking about romantasy, in which case gimme dragons and hot elves.
I do want to be clear that what has me upset here is purely has nothing to do with sales when I new I was writing in a bad genre for sales, but rather the rudeness inherent in telling someone to their face that no one wants something. I can take criticism on my writing, even very strong criticism, since no one will ever improve without knowing what they need to work on doing better. But “no one reads that” not only isn’t actionable, it’s also telling something that what they put their heart and soul into has no value to anyone in the first place. It would have sucked enough to have one person believe in that enough to tell me to my face, but when it’s literally half the people who even stop at your table believing it enough to say so to your face, it’s especially rough. Another author witnessed the last one. That one happened when I was already trying to hide because I was already struggling with the other comments. I have severe social anxiety, and so being there at all was panic-inducing (folks, I had to call my husband to have him talk me out of hiding in my car or even running away and leaving all my stuff there…don’t underestimate the difficulty of being in social situations when anxiety is to such an extreme level.
I know I’ve primarily written in a subgenre so far gone that it’s on literary life support until the plug is pulled later this year. No one knows better than the person whose able to see the stats. I was able to joke about being tied for the worst-selling book in history, and have been lampooning myself on my own social media, and I could so that since I knew the truth of the matter already. But when people say it to your face? And the worst was that woman who said it without saying anything else first, then stood there and waited until I came up with a self-deprecating reply about how stupid I was to be there with something that wasn’t contemporary (that book is delayed until May) or romantasy (this is where I started under a pen name when indie was still looked down upon, and the next will be early next year). I wanted to her to fuck off, but I think we all know that writers will be called wrong for that, told to have thicker skin, then eviscerated if we try to reply to criticism about it.
People, don’t do that, okay? It costs nothing to be kind, and it’s a lot easier to be kind than it is for the recipient of asshole behavior to move past it. Even if you aren’t interested, the kind thing to do is drop a quick compliment (there’s always something, or you can white-fib and say you like the colors on the cover) and say you’re also seeing what else is there. No matter how much I may or may not be interested, I personally will come up with a couple questions to ask someone first since it makes people feel good to feel that someone is interested in their thoughts before saying I’m going to see what else is there and may be back. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, but either way, I strive to leave that person feeling good, not insulted.
Anyway, I just want to get my thoughts out there that this isn’t about money, isn’t about sales numbers, isn’t about the lack of interest, and is solely about the hurt of having people believe so boldly that they’ll tell you to your face that you wrote something no one cares about. When we writers put a piece of ourselves into our work, then our blood, sweat, and tears to do all the rest, that is an extremely personal insult.
So here is the PDF to Resplendent for free. It’s set to the page trim and font I used in the book (super dorky fact: I search for fonts used in the time period of historically-set books, and agonized over what to use for the now-cancelled books set in 1933 in New York City—featuring a news reporter inspired by Nelly Bly whose own jouralism was inspired by Bly—since Times New Roman was the hot new font for news print in NYC, having debut in print October 3rd of the year before, which makes it perfect, but due to its ubiquity today, it irritates a lot of people, and yes, I overthink everything in my books like this because it matters to me even though no one else will ever care or notice—I DO), though it’s in a standard layout rather than than two-page book layout with gutters.
Enjoy or don’t. Whatever. It’s here for free
Also, if your books get added to a DNF list, be thankful someone at least gave your books a try rather than being rejected after “mafia fiction set in 1927–”